


Panic

by A frypan in writing (The_romantic_frypan)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 04:51:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16486238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_romantic_frypan/pseuds/A%20frypan%20in%20writing
Summary: I did a poetry sorta





	Panic

I was happy but all of a  
Sudden I was drowning  
And I couldn’t breathe because   
Every breath was just  
Stolen away like the  
Wind from a car window  
Makes it hard to inhale

And when you told me to   
Go talk to someone well  
It was worse because  
Who can speak when their   
Throat can barely make  
Room for air let alone  
Words?  
I had to escape because  
It no longer mattered how  
It had started but now  
It was here and everything  
Made it worse somehow  
No matter what it was  
I couldn’t take it

I painted ink onto  
My skin because it was  
Better to see my arm   
Stained black rather  
Than coated red  
But I still pressed  
Far too hard and   
Somehow when I looked  
Back it was torn  
The curtain holding back my   
Blood from the air and  
It was so small but still  
I got so scared and   
Told myself to stop

Then like an angel from  
The highest height was  
On my side, “for once,”  
I thought, but then i  
Got to go home and   
I was gripping my   
Computer in my hands   
Like it was a lifeline  
Anchoring me to this   
World and not the   
After, because if   
I ever let go I swore  
I might slip away

Then I was in my   
Mothers arms and there  
Are times when i  
Hate her with my   
Fiery heart but   
It was a hood over  
The eyes of my frantic  
Hawk of a mind  
And then I had to   
Let water run over  
My face because   
I needed to trick  
My own mind into   
Not being able to tell  
Which were tears and  
What was water  
And I cried in the  
Shower because then  
My mum wouldn’t   
Hear my sobbing  
Hopefully I could   
Hide it well

And then I scrubbed  
At my own skin  
Like it was glue  
Stuck on and I   
Had to get it off  
And how can my   
Mind yell so loud  
At my heart  
When its already   
Focused on every   
Tiny thing I do  
And I can hear  
My every breath  
Too loud and too  
Shaky, maybe I   
Should stop to think

But logic has  
Made his exit,   
And im alone  
In my mind where  
It’s a wide plain of  
Empty black,  
Also white,  
Filled with trees   
Closing in like the  
Walls of the sick bay  
Were and it doesn’t  
Make sense just like   
My anxiety but   
I still feel bad for  
Lying to the office ladies  
With nice smiles they  
Didn’t question when  
I said, “I’m sick,”  
But im not really  
Sick in my head  
Maybe, but its  
No good im always   
The bad guy, well  
At least to myself

In my head I cant   
Do anything right  
Im my own abuser  
I cant blame anyone  
Its my fault and  
They all feel bad  
For me but please  
Don’t do that I   
Need you to ignore  
My tears that’s why  
I want to hide under   
The school desk  
I promise, Miss,  
I’m not asking for  
Attention, im trying   
To escape, and im   
Sitting here imploding  
Cant you see I just   
Want to be at home  
Sleeping my problems away  
But that part of me   
Is overruled by that   
Very same anxiety   
It makes me get up   
Every morning so  
I can go to school  
But it’s the one that   
Makes me want to  
Go home

This is why I   
Think it would be  
Easier if I just   
Disappeared and  
I hate pain and  
Im scared of   
Dying but you see  
I wish I was never   
Here in the first place  
Because its harder to   
Deal with this every day  
Than be at peace   
Somewhere where  
Theres no anxiety  
And I don’t cry myself   
To sleep and I   
Don’t try to erase   
My own memory   
So that im not  
In pain because of  
A misplaced word,  
A slip up, any  
Embarrassing memory  
That makes me want to  
Curl up and disappear

Like today   
When I couldn’t speak   
Because I was   
Petrified because  
I wasn’t clean  
And isn’t that OCD?   
Well yes but my   
Parents would never   
Accept if I wasn’t perfect  
And normal  
And didn’t have   
As many mental  
Issues as I do  
So im sorry for telling   
You all my problems  
But you see  
If I don’t say anything  
My anxiety screams  
At my mind  
And if I do  
Say something  
My anxiety says  
“Why give them your  
Own trouble? You   
Are just selfish, dear.”  
And why, oh why  
Does it sound like my   
Own father?  
Ask me some other time  
It’s a long story  
Almost as long as this one  
Has been and  
Im so so sorry  
For telling it all to you.


End file.
